Why do we never talk about friendship break-ups?

We can be friends with people from school, college, university and the work place. We even become friends of partners friends. However when these friendships end, we never talk through getting over the hurt.

We break up from friendships differently to relationships. However we may breakup with a friend for the same reason we would end a relationship. Emotional abuse, them not wanting to spend time with you, physical abuse. I personally have ended friendships for these very reasons. I have also ended friendships because how I was being treated. Friends I had known for over 20 years just stopped wanting to do anything with me. We spoke about it and things never changed. Friendships that have turned mentally damaging too I have ended. I know I am a good person and friend, always been there for my friends, however I got nothing from the friendship, I just got verbal abuse and empty promises that things would change.

I became the emotional punchbag, this no one deserves. I got told off once by friends family for crying at a funeral, that is when I knew it was better to not have them and that person in my life. I did feel numb, I had no one to talk this out with. So it was just left.

Ending friendships come with a new obstacle, like ending a relationship does. Social media is inundated with the photographs of friendship nights out, checking in for a drink at the pub or shopping with the ‘bestie’. The delete of photos and removal of friend finalises the end of the friendship. Its like a fresh start, clean slate. However when the friendship ends online, others on your ‘friends’ list see the ending of the friendship, like they witness the end of a relationship, however no single status does not come with ending a friendship.

When we end a friendship, our trust in people goes a little too. You ask yourself how could someone you known for the longest treat you so bad. Then its best to remember, its not who we have known the longest that matter, its who stayed in our lives.

Does the happy family Christmas exist?

Fighting families, bringing others down, negative comments and belittling each other. Whilst others enjoy a picturesque Christmas, others are sitting through emotional abuse.

Some people are without families, so the emotionally abused aims to feel grateful. However, the emotionally abused wishes for a happy Christmas.

 

The put downs are not welcome and the abused wants to scream at the abusers, however cannot as they will not be heard and for fear of ruining.

If this mirrors anything you are going through, you are not alone. Be you. Look out for you. Set your own traditions.

Does the happy family Christmas exist? Depends how you define family. The above is a family relations setting. However family can be friends, pets, your own children. Family can be a joining of people to not feel alone.

Multi-date or one date at a time?

I have been single for 6 years, during this time I have worked on myself, given myself time to heal from bad break-up and build myself up again.

Getting back into dating has been one massive eye opener. One question that has always been hanging over most dates I have been on is, are you dating anyone else or are you still using dating websites. Some guys have been very open and said yes I am dating others, others have tried to avoid this discussion and some have lied and then been caught out.

Are we too damaged to move on

My morals and values have always been if you are getting to know someone, dating, chatting and getting to know someone in a romantic way then its one person at a time.

Nowadays people turn to the internet to find a partner, it is also a place for when dating to multi-date. It is so easy now date one person, tell them you are the only one they want to date and then login to an online dating website to find another partner.

What is your moral and opinion on the subject? Would you multi-date or date one person at a time?

The pain of lies when dating

So, I met this, what I was led to believe, a great guy, on our first date we met for a casual drink and found out how much we have in common. My gut instinct was telling me this was a good thing.

A plus for me was he didn’t want to talk to me about ex’s which I found such a relief. There are so many people out there who are clearly not over the past that they bring it into the future of new love opportunities.

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We had our first kiss that night, I was literally so happy and excited about what a wonderful date. We talked about family and how similar we are that they are important to us. After the first date, we texted and talked constantly. The night of our first date was the night he had to drive back to camp to be away with work. The following weekend he came back and we went out for dinner. I was so taken by how lovely and genuine (or so I thought) he was being. He told me how beautiful he thought he was and how much he felt that I was out of his league, I told him I fancied him and there was not league.

We agreed about meeting again the next day and then the Sunday before he went away again, however this time he was not speaking to me, not returning messages until quite late in the day, when he decided to come round to my flat to apologies for him not communicating with me. I agreed to accept so we could move on. Everyone makes mistakes. He opened up to say he struggles with communicating and will work on this. Sunday we agreed to meet for Sunday lunch and, in his words, wanted to spend as much time together as possible. Sunday came around and he was no where to be seen. I told him how he had treated me was unacceptable and that we would not work as he was not communicating he apologised and said it would not happen again.

Whilst he was away, we again talked everyday, saying good morning to each other and good night to each other, having late nights talking to each other. I was becoming more and more interested in him and believed him when he said he was interested in me too. We talked about the possibility of this turning into a relationship and he was hoping I would let him take me out when he returned back to the area for Christmas.

I started to notice he was becoming distant again he just said he was fed up with work so I reminded him of a positive thing in his life was me and him getting to know each other and I told him what I liked about him. We ended the conversation with how much we missed each other and I was excited that we were getting back on track. He also told me he was on dating websites, but chose not to access them whilst getting to know me, which I believed and admired what I thought was honesty.

Then came the days we stopped talking, I told him how odd it felt and asked him again if he was ok, he apologised and then became quite arsey with me I said I was not getting into an argument and just wanted to make sure he was ok. I got no reply, I tried to call, he didn’t answer.

I do not know what it was, my gut maybe thinking he had gone back on the dating websites, and thanks to the internet I found out he had, so I ended things with him – by text – and heard nothing back.

I’m sat on my own, feeling rubbish, wanting to eat everything that I should not and feeling sad in myself that he led me on. I am questioning myself why was he pulling away and why he said he wanted to be with me when he had no intention in being so. I feel bad in myself and in my head and heart I feel hurt, let down and lied to. He had no integrity and hurt me.

I just wish people were honest with each other when dating, I just wish people didn’t lie and lead people on.

Be kind enough to be honest.

Now I have to figure out how I am going to get over him and his lies.

In myself, I do not want to go near another guy and this makes me sad. Lies seem so easy to say and the truth so hard to speak.

Now I am left trying to figure out if I should delete him from my social media, part of me hopes he might realise what he has done and how he acted is wrong and might one day want to talk, the other art of me just wants to forget I met him

Can we not just get along?

Cheating, scandal, abuse, verbal fighting, dating and not having a clue if they like you or want to use you – would it be better if we just got along with each other, like actually got along, show respect, do not cheat, do not use, be honest and actually be kind to each other.

This week I have had 2 dates and watched my best friends heart break because of a break up.

Dating
Now I have only just stepped into the world of dating, granted I have enjoyed the company and getting to meet and know new people, however, the absolute confusion of what will happen next, words said and lack of boundaries has really puzzled me.

1st date with first guy, went well, we went for dinner, he bought me flowers and we enjoyed talking. However what really bugged me was if I said something he did not agree with I was made to be the bad guy and should not say this or do that. I thought, well this is not a guy I would want to see again, I do not understand who has the right to tell another person what to say and how to be. However I gave him the benefit of the doubt and agreed to a second date. At which point he wanted to know what ‘we’ were and he declared his undying love for me. Sorry guys, but its freaky! I said thank you, however I am just interested in getting to know each other first and see where it goes. Unhappy with my response he became creepy to be around so I ended the date and went on my way. I later told him that we are not right for each other and I hope he finds the right lady for him. This followed on with a barrage of calls from him, voicemails, text and whatsapp messages. One thing was totally obvious, he did not respect what I said or have any morals or boundaries. In the end I had to block his number, from which he called me from another number, left a voicemail to the tale of ‘I noticed you have blocked me on whatsapp, I was just wondering how you are and I want to see you again’. This made me more happy with my decision that we were not right for each other.

2nd guy and first date, went really well. It was 2 years in the making, we had communicated via FaceBook for 2 years after bumping into each other at a christening. During those 2 years he had asked me out a total of 6 times, for coffee, trip to movies and so forth. I said yes because, well, why not. However the dates never happened so in the end I stopped saying yes and just never replied until I told him how annoying it was. He asked me out again so I went and low and behold I hear nothing until he tells me he finds it hard to communicate via text. Frustrating would be an understatement as I scream at the screen ‘that’s how we have communicated for the last 2 years’ – I never replied to his last message.

Dating seems to be a minefield nowadays, confusion on where we stand, meeting some people who do not accept that you are not right for each other and the nasty ends the ending of a relationship can come to.

Cheating
It would be easy to say everyone cheats since the Ashley Madison hack. I have known of guys who have tried to chat me and my friends up, when they have girlfriends and wives back home. I have been cheated on myself and its safe to say, its not a nice feeling.

However, it is important to remember NOT EVERYONE CHEATS.

What infuriates me about cheats is the lack of respect they are showing for the person waiting at home for them, the person who has spent their time with, their time they will never get back. It baffles me that people cheat. It has taken me years to come to terms with the fact that when someone cheats on you, do not blame yourself.

If someone wants to cheat, then be honest with your partner and respect them.

I see my friends cheat and think should I be a cheat as everyone seems to be doing it as part of a relationship, then I click back and realise that I am a loyal person, I respect my partner and the time we have. I am not a cheat.

In life with cheating I think you have two choices, end the relationship you are in if you want to cheat or stay with your partner and work at making your relationship work.

Granted to those who have an open relationship where you can date other people, fair play if you agree that prior, shows you have each other in mind and respect along with honesty.

Break-ups
Nasty things and good things.

This week I saw a news article about the couple who took a selfie divorce photo. Thought how refreshing that a couple are jointly, together, happy in their separation. Sad as divorce is, it was refreshing to see the respect for each other.

However other break-ups turn nasty, with heartbreak, confusion and no real closure.

The Huffington Post published an article about ex’s asking each other questions. What if we could all do this and give each other closure?

This week I watched one of my best friends heart break, her asking me questions on why they ended and me trying to be positive and telling her she has gained her freedom rather then being dumped. Her tears tell me she is hurt and what shocked me the most is her lack of interest in anyone else or ‘getting back on the wagon’. This is a girl that took dating in her stride, loves meeting new people, however her heart fell for a guy who manipulated her and drove her to the point of weakness. How could she let him do this to her? She loved him, she saw a future with him and after 2 years of being single, she was ready to give her heart to someone else. I sat there watching her cry, wishing I could take her pain away. However I sadly know too well of the pain she is feeling.

Manipulation
Why do we feel the need to manipulate others into our way of thinking? Tell people how to think, what to say. Tell people how you feel yes, but a person is who they are. Relationships, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband, wives, daughter and father, brother and sister, regardless of the relationship, there should be respect for each other. Focus on making memories rather then making each other sad.

Can we all not just get along?

Emotional Abuse in a Family

Growing up, there is the odd name calling, ‘you silly thing’ ‘don’t be stupid’, ‘you cannot do that’. Then there comes the further insults of how you look, then recruiting other members of the family to comment on you. When family gatherings are arranged, you are left out, told you are not welcome.

In arguments and telling the family how their treatment is making you feel, they blame you, you are upset and they tell you you have no need to be upset, you get angry because that is how their treatment of you has made you feel. You ask yourself what is so wrong with me that they want to treat me like this. It must be true what they call me. Your self esteem becomes low and confidence as for most of your life you have grown up with the ‘little digs’ at you. Do not hear anything positive and if you did it is always followed up with a negative about you.

You receive threats from other members of the family, and you are not supported or stuck up for by others. You do not result to name calling or threats in defence, you just ask them not to call you names and stop the threats. Yet its your fault, they act like that because of you, they tell you.

As you get older, the way you were raised impacts on your adult life. You feel not good or confident adult because all you have known is that you stupid and won’t amount to much.

Emotional abuse does happen and we should be aware of what our words do to children as we raise them.

Best advice I have heard – live life like you have never been hurt – that is the best revenge.

If you leave me I will kill myself

Have you heard the title in previous / current relationships?

Sadly this line is used in an attempt to keep someone in the relationship and the threat to harm self is aimed to get the person wanting to leave the relationship, stay.

All to often this the title is said in relationships as a desperate to cling onto something that has gone, the relationship.

Sadly I have heard that not to often this line was used once. Not any of my relationships, but one that described his relationship as ‘perfect’. There is nothing perfect of someone wanting to kill themselves if their partner does not want the relationship anymore.

If you get to the point that you threaten your partner with the death of you just to keep them to stay, you have issues you need to address. Forcing someone to stay with you is not healthy and the person should leave anyway as the relationship you are in is toxic.

The person aiming to keep you is putting the guilt and blame on you if they do kill themselves ‘if YOU leave me I will KILL MYSELF’

The love feeling that was and possibly still there does not just disappear at the end of a relationship so when someone wants to take their own life because you want to leave, the threat triggers your care for that person. However the suicidal person is not showing you a picture of someone you want to stay with.

It can be scary when a partner threatens to kill themselves and for the person wanting to commit suicide, do you want someone to stay with you if they do not 100% want to?

People become defined by their relationship that they lose themselves and when the other person wants to leave they feel they have nothing. They gave all of themselves to a relationship that they lose themselves when the relationship breaks down.

No relationship is perfect, no couple is perfect, issues do exist, not been able to sort your own and attack others if you think they have some is not down to you.